Neglecting this blog is all I seem to do, yet every time I log on, I feel like it would be so therapeutic to write on it ALL the time.

 

 

I figured that since really nobody is reading this, I could use it as sort of a vent. A way to say things I am experiencing or needing to say where there is no judgement, and nobody can talk back, and nobody can change how they feel about me because of it.

 

So, that's what I'll do.

 

 

As of lately, I have been really looking ahead and planning for the future. Where do I want to be? When do I want to be there? And how am I going to make it there alive and happy?

 

Where Do I Want To Be?

 

I want to be wherever I can be. Wherever there is a job for me. Wherever Micheal is. I would like to be able to perform after school but I don't think that there is really much promise in that, and honestly, I don't know if I REALLY want to. Of course I love performing, but I'm not busting my ass in all these education courses so I can go dance all the time and have no certain job. Ideally, I would love to be teaching Dance in a school somewhere (elementary to high school) with Micheal by my side. I have a sort of little girl fantasy of a perfect world where we both are teachers at the same school. A loving, artistic couple, enriching childrens' lives one school day at a time. (Gross, I know. But it would be kind of cool.) I'm just hoping that Micheal is in the same boat as I am..or I'm in for some hurt.

 

When Do I Want To Be There?

Do the letters ASAP mean anything to you? I have not only taken overload semesters, gone against all the "professional" advice given to me, and worked way too hard so I can graduate "on time." I want out of this place. UCO is a wonderful school. I am blessed and honored to be a student here and a dancer here, but I am over it. I want to be in the real world, with a real job, with a real house that has my real boyfriend in it. No more small apartment (well, lets hope..), no more 100 miles away from Mike, no more waitressing after class, just no more being a student life. It's just not something I was designed to enjoy. And I'm finally coming to realize that it's okay to feel like that. I just want to be out doing what I've been trained to do, with the one I love, with my family beside me and endles possibilities ahead. Is that too much to ask?

 

How Am I Going To Make It There Alive And Happy?

Hell if I know. I'm trying to balance a relationship that I want to last, a homesickness that I can't get over, an overwhelmingly busy school and work schedule, while still focusing on getting done early and it's taking a toll. I've been finding myself more sad than usual and after months of writing it off to missing Micheal and my family, I'm finding that there might be something wrong. My Mom, being Bipolar and having Depression herself, has finally taken a notice to how I've been feeling and is trying to help me out, but I'm truly wondering if I can ever be as happy as I know I can be while I'm in Edmond, in this apartment, and in school. It's just not where I want to be, but it's where I have to be. Micheal thinks I'm being crazy. Just telling me to push through. But it's hard when you feel so lonely and you don't know why. When you miss the people you love most and are so far from them you feel deprived. I know things could be WAY worse, and I know I may be being immature about the entire situation, but I cannot help how I feel, and I need to accept that. Maybe then others will accept it too.

 

This stage in my life is just so indescribable. I am so blessed and grateful for the opportunities and people I have, yet I want something completely different for my life. I'm just over this stage. I'm ready for the next, but unfortunately, I can't get it unless I complete this stage with flying colors.

I just hate that how I feel has been creeping into my personal life and destroying things that I would really rather not destroy. I'm picking fights with my boyfriend that I shouldn't be. I'm feeling unloved and unwanted (which I don't think is COMPLETELY ridiculous, but most of the time I do overreact). And I'm blowing issues out of proportion when I shouldn't. I don't know why, but this stuff scares the living daylights out of me. Anytime I call Micheal to talk about something that I'm upset with, pretaining to our relationship, I end up vomitting the words out and feeling like some crazy-obsessive-demanding-needy-annoying girlfriend and that is the last thing I want to do. I'm already so much younger than he is, so I don't need to give him a reason to believe I'm immature. I need to calm down, trust that he loves me...even when he may not show it...and not pick these fights. I want this relationship to turn into the next thing. I want it to stay strong and I want him to love me just as much as he did before, if not more.

 

I hate that the homesickness of missing my family is bringing me down constantly. I just want to be home. As much as I hated the town before, it is where I am happiest. I feel like God didn't make me to be away from home and my loved ones for so long at a time. I'm a home body, I'm a stay-in kind of girl, and I am someone who wants to be close to her loved ones. Not far. Not hundreds of miles away.

 

So I've taken some steps to better myself. Therapy, a new job, trying to think less emotionally. And I'm working my hardest to get college out of the way. Taking the OGET, taking 24 credit hour semesters, and hopefully taking as many courses I can that are not Spring or Fall semesters.

We'll see how it goes.

 

Until Next Time...